Meeting Moniba – Part 1

I’m taking a break from posting poetry on this blog, but I’m going to tell you all how I fell in love and got married to the love of my life – Moniba Mehboob. The journey is a roller coaster ride!

I hope you enjoy reading this!

Part 1 – Hello Poetry (Conversation between hamid khan & Moniba Mehboob – et cetera)

It was 15th May 2014 when I sent a message to a poetess on ‘Hello Poetry’. It was just a simple message, but the message wasn’t really a ‘conversation beginner’ type. You don’t usually expect a response from a girl, that too from a stranger. But I got a response from her the next day, her message was quite pleasant, and I guess I responded back with something to keep the conversation go on for a while. That was the start.

Then soon I lost interest because typing isn’t my ‘thing’, so I replied with ‘Hmm’ or ‘Okay’ etc. Interestingly, she even responded to that, it was strange. Felt like we switched genders. You know we are judgmental in some way or the other, so I thought this girl is fat or someone who isn’t attractive or someone who’s just crazy or desperate. Why would she always respond to my close ended messages, no one does that! Also, at one point I thought it was a guy. However, her messages always made me smile.

But her poetry was always terrific, I genuinely felt every word. It was too good, and it inspired me to keep writing. I was and still am a pathetic writer anyway.

So, our conversation grew, and we talked about poetry and our interests of train travel, moon-gazing, spending time in a forest at night, walking on railway tracks, my love for solitude and much more. Sometimes the conversation was so fresh, it felt like I was living a dream with this person I haven’t seen. When you get emotionally involved in a conversation you tend to say sweet things. I knew she wouldn’t mind because the conversation was completely clean. I just praised her, you know what I mean. The conversations used to go on till late night till we were both exhausted.

You are going to wonder how we both managed this? I was doing my 6-month long university internship and she had her exams, so she stayed up late. And she was quite good in studies, so she had plenty time to talk to me. I think I was in the 1st or 2nd month of the internship and I hardly went to the office. Also, I was a solitary person.

One day during our conversation, she said that I scare her! That she has raised her walls up high! That was a weird thing to say, I guess.

I think I had an idea what she meant but I pretended I had no clue, so I asked for an explanation. She didn’t explain and I was okay with it, because in my mind she’s… still fat? I don’t know. You can only have a profile and cover picture on Hello Poetry. She didn’t put up her photos there, she also said that she covers her head and does ‘Hijab’. Muslim women usually cover their head with a scarf to hide their hair and even their face at times, also wear a long dress called an ‘Abaya’. That is what Hijab means to me. And those women practice Hijab so that strange men don’t see them. Okay enough of explanation.

Also, she was in Karachi, Pakistan and I was in Delhi, India. She thought I was a spy, I thought she was a spy. Anyway.

So sometime in June 2014 she said, ‘you scare me because you’re the type of guy I could fall hard for’. That was the point which made so happy because a girl proposed first. Is she fat? I didn’t care at that moment, I was just very happy. And then after a few days I asked her if she is fat, or ugly looking or a guy or even a spy or a robot. She didn’t clarify, but I was okay because I really started liking her – the way she’d ramble, tell me different stories, even had an old Nokia phone and wrote handwritten letters! Who does that?

That was a lovely time, but we were too immature as well. A Pakistani girl in love with an Indian boy, how is that going to work? So, to keep ourselves in the reality we often spoke about her getting married to someone there and then we meet at a foreign location etc. Just the way it happens in Bollywood movies. But we even kept the dream sequence clean, we had no other option. Talking to her did soothe my soul but I was also hurt somewhere that she was going to be just another chapter in my life. We both decided to just speak about abstract things, our daily routine and agreed that we’ll speak and be together till the time comes for one of us to leave. It was unsettling but it was the only way to continue.

Our conversation then shifted to Facebook. I’ll post a part 2 soon when I’ve sometime.

I’ll also take a moment here to clarify that now I am mature enough to respect people of different color, size, religion and what not. I sincerely apologize if I’ve hurt anybody’s sentiments through this post.

Logical Decode

spread out wide in the sky
and merrily out of tune
your thoughts diverge toward the stars
only to converge at the moon

what is it that keeps you awake at night
but doesn’t make you feel?
if time tells you its story
why doesn’t it help you heal?

dark inside the attic
and numb to the core
your soul travels along with the waves
only to collapse at the shore

what is it that detaches you from your senses
but has no credible element?
is your loneliness significantly responsive
or is it just irrelevant?

sometimes you may get confused between being solitary and being lonely.
the road is all yours to choose.

Freddie Mercury

fell asleep with open eyes
alcoholic inhale and bohemian sighs
flat on floor, grey in size
rock ‘n roll and private life

deep in sense and loud periphery
clothed in mess and burberry
second to none, never tertiary
his majesty – freddie mercury!

On a sidenote – how times change and you move away from punk rock to a bit of ‘operatic-mellow’ genre, you stay there a while and then the opera paves way for a complex musical voyage which can’t be contained in a genre.
that’s how i can describe the change in my musical taste – starting with green day, linkin park to queen, pink floyd, led zeppelin, guns n roses to porcupine tree, pineapple thief..
life goes on but it pauses a few songs from the past. they play in your head after ages when you least expect them to, and those songs in their digital being replace the current moment with frames of the past.
that’s when you thank these legends for the purest nostalgia..

I’m still choosing the best between Freddie Mercury and Steven Wilson.

Peculiar Recurrent Blur

i vaguely remember the sound of crying as i made my way out of my mother’s womb
it came from distance when i was born in 1983
and then all was washed away
i grew up to become a shy boy
the only child of my parents
i experienced change, i welcomed happiness
i opened gates for tears, and i closed myself in a shell

sometimes i thought i was a nightmare in someone else’s head
sometimes maybe just a simple creation of god
or perhaps a memory
i don’t know
questions were all in front of my eyes
answers maybe hiding behind my back
no matter how much i turn around and look back
i am always looking at the questions
i can never look back

the questions started to rise
‘what do i want to do in life?’
‘how can i be successful?’
the list started to grow
and then i took a pause to appreciate love
love from my parents
love from the one i secretly admired
suddenly, heart became the epicenter of everything
i realized my heart is a companion of love
while the brain always interferes to create doubt

she had a scar on her forehead, her hair all brown
the way i imagined it, i don’t know when
brown instantly became my favorite color
i felt a strong connection with the scar
i had dreams, feelings, all for her
all pure and genuine
the world became a happy place
questions were no longer in sight
every moment was intense
but soon i realized that it was unrequited
that i had to knock on the door of pain, sooner or later

i knew i had to endure
the mind said ‘don’t give up’
the heart whispered ‘in another lifetime’
they both changed roles
heart could only induce pain
while the brain could imagine, imagine her with me
the heart could only beat
beat out of tune
i began to think more
but this time the more i thought, the more i could hear
‘in another lifetime’

my mind became a muddled pendulum
oscillating in a chaotic manner
when one end swayed towards a sea of imagination
the other rolled towards the cluster of reality
and there was no middle, nothing in between
all empty
maybe her, but she wasn’t visible
so everything was a numbing climax

i tried and tried again, fuming with anger
trying to overcome this complex paradigm
where all you need to do is endure and act
act like it doesn’t hurt
act like it is just a matter of time
act like you know how to deal with it
so i saw birds flying
i read poetry of the past
i spent time with friends
turned towards the lighter side of life
but the questions returned, this time with more force

‘why do you pretend?’
‘why do you act’?
‘why do you endure’?
‘why don’t you break free’?
this time when my mind oscillated from end to another
i could see something in between
i saw an end
i realized that all i am is a thought
i could never become an idea
i knew the answers will always be behind my back

so i jumped from a high rise building
going past all the questions with speed
as my parents watched and helplessly cried
i died on the spot
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i vaguely remember the sound of crying as i made my way out of my mother’s womb
it came from distance when i was born in 2007
and then all was washed away
i grew up to become a happy boy
a boy who loved his mother more than anything in this world
a boy who kissed her forehead scar and played with her brown hair
just the way he imagined it
in another…

This poem doesn’t promote suicide. This poem isn’t about suicide.
This can either be a dream sequence or a story of rebirth. You decide.
For me, this is a thought that became an idea.

We

We are the silence of a drizzle,
We are the roar of a thunder.

We are the elegant warmth of the sun,
We are the enchanting bliss of the moon.

We are the prayers of desperation,
We are the hidden shrines of inspiration.

We are the colorful birds of hope,
We are pale dead leaves of despair.

We are the kites flying high in the sky of deception,
We are the ships sinking into the ocean of honesty.

We are the pleasant snowfall of peace,
We are the nasty landslide of distress.

We are the rainbow of unity,
We are the bullets of conflict.

We are the petals of generosity,
We are the stones of greed.

We are the brighter side of love,
We are the darker side of lust.

We are the Shakespeares of literature,
We are the Einsteins of Physics.

We are the theories of adoption,
We are the postulates of abandonment.

We are the canvas of joy,
We are the shades of anger.

We are the lessons of yesterday,
We are the mistakes of tomorrow.

We are the light of life,
We are the night of death.

We are a galaxy in ourselves.

We are short lived,
Yet,
We are endless!

We are sincere, we are corrupt, we are confused.

Fatal Error

all that happened in front of my eyes was peculiarly digital

the anxious wait
for your blog post
the restless desire
to see your photos
the sudden rush
for a phone call
the deafening noise
when the phone falls

a notification breaking through
the turbulent silence
an emoticon bringing everything
except your vibrant fragrance
the battery staying tough
when you’re online
my heartbeat in shatters
when you go offline

i once slept to the fullest
when i was a little child
and now when you don’t text me back
i lay wide awake till I go wild
only in my dreams i see
us together in a far off land
and then wake up to fix
the internet with my own hand

my life was at the pinnacle
when your acceptance was digital
nothing felt so mythical
when your denial was digital
now love seems lost in the air
it travels fast as the bandwidth blooms
the sun rises without a message
and tea gets cold in the windy afternoon
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you are my world and my world is in the phone
you are in my heart and my heart is all alone..

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy phone.
Get Outlook for Android. And Peace for your Life.

Memento

i know you more than the stars in the black
i feel you more than a rapid heart attack

to return to you is to return to light
abandoning is my forte, to stay numb through the night

so feed this poem with all your pain
cherish everything for years to come and forget my name

i admire your strength and your untainted flaws
you have my heart but i can never be yours

now close your eyes for the good and let your dreams stay
hold on to whatever inspires you but let me fade away

you deserve more.

Newcastle-Upon-Tyne

i gazed at the setting sun from the delhi ridge
only to act like oscar wilde running around the dublin bridge
i spent the summer shivering in a swiss frozen land
then returned to a warm winter amidst a dubai desert sand
i walked upon fallen buildings in gaza to admire a moment’s peace
and flew back to lake district with a fragrant day time breeze

nobody caught me crying in a lousy bar in lisbon
i hopped on the streets at midnight in the heart of brisbane
i went to karachi to trace the moonlit charm of the sea
and took shelter in mumbai under a monsoon swaying tree
i let go of my miserable art in the undying london snow
and ate a bizarre beijing dinner to go with the flow
i ran after a friend in conakry to wish him goodbye
i always looked up in respect towards the pleasant german sky

i returned to a romanian forest to deceive my endless pain
only to forget it all in the danish late night rain
then i locked myself in a cheerless room near newcastle upon tyne
to hang myself from the neck, my life could no longer rhyme..

i don’t support suicide neither am i depressed.
this poem is merely a journey of a depressed mind with no purposeful meaning. you may or may not connect with it. thanks.

Date Night (Freestyle)

Where in the world is this bus?

I’m standing here, waiting

All fragrant just like that digital rabbit
The jealous taxi driver is staring at me
I know you can’t afford all this, mate
Oh well, never mind, I’m excited, I’m thrilled
It’s my first date tonight!
She must be waiting for me
She must be looking pretty and I’ll dance with herLet me check if I’ve my wallet
Yes, I’ve it
Plenty money! I’m going to spend it all on her
(whispers) And then I’ll return it back to my friend on timeBut where’s this bus?!
These two ugly dogs, I don’t understand why they’re barking
I pity these mad creatures

Shove it

Oh, I see there’s a bus coming with speed
Need to stop it

Wha… hey!!!!
What the hell!
Where are you going?!!!!!
It didn’t stop, gotta run now.
I’m shouting at the driver
But he’s not stopping the bus
And I’m running hard and fast
If a director saw me right now, they’d know that I can pull off a rom-com climax(Breathing heavily)
Okay… I’m tired now
Let the bus go….
Piece of…..
Son of a……..
There’s…there’s a dangerous sound coming from some distance and it’s growing
Seems like it’s coming near me, need to turn around
Oh shit!!!!
These dogs are coming for me!!!!!!!!!!
Why God? Why???
I gotta run again
This time for my life
They’re right behind me!!!!!Bloody hell! I forgot to put my belt on
This jeans loves the gravitational pull of earth like she me loves me
And the way she’ll grab me towards her…..
(running in romantic thoughts)
Ouch…..
I fell down and bruised my knee, shit!
It’s painful
I didn’t expect this to happen now
I look behind, the dogs are at ease
A sigh of relief
But my jeans, it was brand new….
It got torn, and my knee is visible
I’m safe thoughMy phone’s vibrating from so long
Let me check…. my phone
A message on whatsapp!
(whispers) She can’t control
Hmmmmm, it’s herrrrrrr 😉
(in shock) What?!!!! She’s not coming
She was joking about the date!!
She’s not in love with me!!!
It was her dare!!!!
While playing truth and dare!!!!!
Hey dogs stop barking!!!!!!
I thought I was a player……..
(dogs running after the taxi)
It hurts more now, my heart is dead..
Time to go back home..
Why’d she do that….?
The joke is on me….
Okay, it’s okay
Chin up!
I hope I didn’t fracture my knee…
I’m unable to walk properly…
And it hurts a lot…
No! Chin up, mate
Be happy that the money’s safe
You’ll get another girl, you tired rabbit
I’ll return the money to my friend right now!
Oh shit! Where’s my wallet?Why didn’t I hire that taxi?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(coming back to senses)
The taxi driver took my wallet…….
I hate girls!

Ode to the Ruins

on a sunday of a lifetime
i ran into the woods to laugh and whine
there i saw a story flying through the breeze
that made me perplexed and brought me to my knees
the story of a time when rabbits happily hopped under the moon
when the nightingale would sing and dance for a friendly loon
an old branch back in time was home to a black leopard
the leaves grew big to feed the goats of the poor shepherd
a little tigress quenched her thirst from this dried-up lake
when the nigthly owls of the past would fly around to stay awake
a seeking bison once cheerfully traced the footprints of a hiding deer
the forest was large but their gracious hearts were so near
the monkeys carelessly ate fruits from this giant tree
when the elephants ignored and went on a sleeping spree
crickets went out of tune for the fireflies to glow
but a railway corridor was laid not so long ago

abruptly the story collapsed and died in front of my eyes
i couldn’t believe it all and thought it was full of lies
i went back home to forget what i saw, only to fall asleep
i didn’t know 70 years later it’d make me weep
a coal mine was dug in the forests’ golden heart
so we moved through the barren lands in a bullock cart
days turned to years and we saw the pigeons fly
money came in time but no one heard the voiceless cry
then the jungle turned to a park for the picnic tribe
the coal too was gone only to welcome the man made vibe
we witnessed a village turn to a fashionable town
but soon the floods came in to take us down
as we struggled in the water waiting for the rescue team
the curtain fell so hard on us to break our endless dreams

our souls are now too weak to survive this dark abyss
the snakes still roam the place, we just can’t hear them hiss